Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
And then he peed in my hair
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