bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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