Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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