At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize