I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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