My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
