Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
