I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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