I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
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I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
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And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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