So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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