Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
