JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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