I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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