This is not my ceiling
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
