My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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