Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
