Why are handjobs necessary in class?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
