I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
