don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
