is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
