Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
