mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
