This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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