They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
