just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I touched a dick in church today
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
