I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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