my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
