My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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