Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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