I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
