you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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