man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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