i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
