it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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