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• (303): View more from Colorado

  I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

  (510): View more from California

  YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life

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• (407): View more from Florida

  wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.

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• (201): View more from New Jersey

  just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.

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• (712): View more from Iowa

  Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

  (714): View more from California

  Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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• (816): View more from Missouri

  Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Who are you high with right now?

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• (207): View more from Maine

  Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.

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• (+61): View more from Australia

  I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics

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• (904): View more from Florida

  Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.

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• (+61): View more from Australia

  In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm

  (1+61): View more from

  At least it wasn't your drinking arm

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• (917): View more from New York City

  currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"

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