I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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