I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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