Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
