I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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