I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It was a blind-side dick pic.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
