You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I didn't notice because vodka
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
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