You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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