I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
