How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
