im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
