i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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