Soap is not a condiment
farters have to be the big spoon...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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