On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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