Im at strip club and am horny
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
high people should be assigned attendants
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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