I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
