her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
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Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
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he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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