yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
