i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
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Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
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I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.