Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
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I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
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I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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