Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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